I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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