Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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