Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
