Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize