There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
