i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
