Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
