Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
