my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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