you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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