Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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