if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
even my farts smell like vagina
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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