I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You've changed since you got that strap on
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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