So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize