Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
