this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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