Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
