i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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