Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
