i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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