Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
