Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
