im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
