when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
