literally had 100 drinks last night.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
