oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
