Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
