I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i came on her dog
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
