He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
