Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
