stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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