those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So many bounce houses so little time
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
