You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
