I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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