I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
