The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize