Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
