Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
