worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
