...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
