You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
