I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
