i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Sober January is a disaster.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
