i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
