hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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