He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
His nipple licking is glorious
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