so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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