I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
