sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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