smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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