Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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