The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
