Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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