His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
