Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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