I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
