i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize