There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
