When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
