Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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